Fatherhood...WTF?

When I was a new father I pretty much felt like an idiot all the time. I had some revelations that helped me get through the experience. No thanks to my wife though. Women know everything they need to know about kids naturally and they think it is funny to watch us men slog through it all. Here are some of my hard-fought insights, may they help someone someday!

1. Kids will still love you no matter how many times you fuck up.
Whether or not he deserves it, it's important for the new dad to know he can screw up and the kids will give him a clean slate. (Mom is a completely different story.)

2. It's ok if you don't like your kids every now and then.
This is one advantage we men have over women. We are much better at loving people we don't like at that particular moment. (From years of still being available for sex even if we have been banished to the couch for whatever reason)

3. The way to their heart is through their stomach.
Give kids chocolate cake and you will will be the Master of the Universe. (This is actually also true of men)

4. Don't forget how huge and scary you are to them.
Men are bullies by nature and it's hard to avoid that behavior with your kids. I will never forget the first time I made my little girl cry....it really sucks. (Again, mom is a different story...the being scared of me part, not the making her cry part)

5. It is not only ok for you to be goofy, but as the dad, it's REQUIRED!
This is by far the best part of being the dad! Kids don't give a rats ass if you kept your pharmacy inventory below $500,000 this month. They don't care that your "phone hold time" report sucked compared to everyone else in your district. They couldn't give less of a shit if you gave out too much overtime. All they care about is we're all sleeping in a bubble fort tonight! woo hoo!!! (You know what a bubble fort is right? You stick a bedsheet on the ground and use some books on the corners for weight. Then you stick a fan in one end and turn it on. Presto! Bubble Fort!)